Final Thoughts Before The Big 50 Miler

For the last 3 months I have pretty much been focused on one central race The Stonecat 50 miler.

Earlier this year I set a goal to run one 50 mile race before the end of the year. I had originally planned to run my first one in August. I had been training for it. And then in late May I got injured. I tore my calf muscle and was on crutches and in an air cast for weeks.

I thought my running for the year was over. I thought my life was over at times even. I mean, I was a mess... But most importantly I thought I would never be ready in time for a 50 miler this year.

I cannot believe sitting here today thinking about it all that this was all only 5 months ago.

 5 months ago I thought my running days for the year were over....







I have come so far these past 5 months it amazes me. I know I am a runner but I am a stubborn and determined one. I came out of a bad injury and trained and ran a marathon in 3 hours and 32 minutes 2 weeks ago. If you had told me I would BQ again this fall for 2014 I would have told you that you were crazy.

I began to think things were not so crazy when I earned my PR at the Zooma half of 1:39. I never thought I would see a sub 1:40 half marathon, let alone 4 months post torn calf.... But I did!

Now I am sitting here today and all I can think about is 50 miles. A new milestone.

This time 2 years ago, I had just finished my first ever 5k.... It is mind boggling!

2 weeks ago I earned my second Boston Qualifying time this year... I ran my first marathon last November and have not looked back since. Distance running and I have developed a deep love affair.

On Tuesday I set out on the trails one final time before Saturday. It was amazing, peaceful, and every reason why I fell in love with trail running and the ultra marathon.

This has been one hell of a year. It has been filled with high moments, and low ones. If you had asked me in the beginning of 2012 if I knew it would turn out this way, I would have laughed and said no way. If you had asked me in June if I would be blogging about being nervous for a 50 mile run, I might have punched you LOL I never thought I would be running well again..

But here I am. Sitting waiting to go unleash all the built up tension and energy I have from tapering for 2 weeks! I am excited to embark on a new PR distance for my running. I am nervous that I might not be able to finish, or get lost in the woods, heh yes I have had that night mare. I am filled with jitters that hopefully will go away by 6am tomorrow morning when I get ready to run 50 miles!

Live Without Regret

This post has been going round and round swirling in my head for a couple of weeks.

One reason I have not yet posted is because some of it is hard to talk about. Another is because it may make things even worse for me than they already are. A third is it is just hard for me to get ultra personal on here without hurting people. A fourth is sometimes I am just too chicken to deal with life issues head on.

But, I want to move forward and I believe by moving forward you have to face demons and slay them one by one. The demon I have been facing lately comes in the form of guilt. There are people, maybe one in particular that has tried to make me feel guilty for my decisions this year. Really for my decisions the past 2 years. I have tried to let it go, tried to explain why I have chosen the path I have, but they relentlessly seem to try to make me see things from their perspective.

This perspective is: being a runner is bad. Being a mom means caring for your child 24 hours a day 7 days a week and not running much at all. Working where a schedule will allow for you to be home as much as possible. I actually heard that when my daughter sees someone running along the side of the road she asks if its me.

When I heard this I felt proud, my daughter associates me with being a runner? As a mom who was on 7 medications a day, and considered higher risk during her pregnancy because she was morbidly obese, the fact that my 3 year old now sees me as a runner, and I am off all my medications and I over came obesity?!? How could anyone not be proud? Right?!?

 I was proud the day I got to take her home. But not within my own body.

Wrong. I was told that this was bad, and that a child should not associate their parent with something like this. I was told I run too much and put her second. I was told I was just not a good mother.

And honestly? Sometimes, I believed it. Sometimes I let it get the best of me and I am irrational and I let it bother me. Sometimes I let myself feel guilty for going for a run and leaving her with one of my sisters for an hour. Sometimes I wait to long run until she is not around so i feel less guilty about it.

I am working on being more rational. Being more and more able to stand up to the people who say me being a runner is bad for my daughter. And most days, I do feel good about it. Most days I am able to go for a run and enjoy myself.

Most importantly I have learned that to live without regret is always best.

I do not regret becoming a runner. I do not regret the decisions I made regarding my life this year. I have done everything I have done for a reason, for a purpose, to be happy and healthy both mentally and physically. And you know what? It has worked.

I know that I have more patience to listen to my daughter and take care of her now that exercise is a part of my daily routine. I know that I am setting a much better example for my daughter now that I eat healthy. You know we went trick or treating last night and she did not even like any candy. She opened one pack of twizzlers took a bite and did not like it. We ended up eating turkey on the way home together. That would not have happened before when I was obese.

She is learning healthy habits from me just by watching. I am helping her beat that statistic that took my by shock 3 years ago: a child is more likely to be obese by 50% when one parent is obese. Before I was giving my daughter a head start on my miserable life. Now  I have taken that away and am replacing that with a head start to good health. We work out together and she loves it. She associates exercise with fun and I know that this will continue to increase as she gets older.

I love how she has already embraced healthy activities like gymnastics. And she loves coming into the gym :)

I love the fact that my daughter sees me as a runner. Runners are strong, confident, and smart individuals. We are constantly setting goals and achieving them. Runners are a positive influence and if my daughter associates me with all of these things, how could I not be honored?

She always loves going running with me in her buggy :)

Most important than anything else?

I am happy. I smile every single day when I am with her. And not just a fake smile, but a real genuine one because despite all of our ups and downs this year we are still fighting together. Despite whatever has come my way I have still managed to stay on track and succeed. I have kept fighting for her and for me. And all of it has made me stronger and happier. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I know in my heart that I did what was best for myself and for her because when you are happy in your own life within yourself it reflects onto others. A happy person is a positive one and a positive person is a much better example for a child than a negative one.

So I am vowing to always live my lift this way, without regret. I want to be happy and healthy and enjoy all the quiet moments that life has to offer and all of the things I used to take for granted, like my health and happiness. I will love my daughter and always live for her, but part of loving her is being able to take care of myself and be happy, this is what makes me a good mom. This is what makes her happy, to see me smiling makes her smile. So the next time she sees a runner and asks if it is me I hope someone smiles and says maybe.

I know which mom is winning today :)

I learned one thing during this journey, the thing in which I will never ever forget: Sometimes you have to take the hard path and go down it alone. It may not be easy, and it may piss people off, but in the end you have to make the best choice for yourself and ignore those who may not always see what is best for you.

You have to live without regret.

Bay State Marathon Race Recap A BQ!

This started as the race that almost wasn't.

LIFE. Sometimes gets in the way, or I have also found that some people try to get in the way of my happiness. This weekend was no different. Someone set out to try and ruin the race for me by harassing me and stressing me out Friday and Saturday. By Saturday afternoon I just felt defeated. I felt broken. I felt like waking up Sunday morning and staying in bed all day. But that can be a post for another day...

I am lucky that my team, my true friends and family are so supportive, they got me out of bed on Sunday morning and to the start line of my 7th marathon, Bay State Marathon.

I signed up for this race about a month ago, hoping it would help me during my training for the Stonecat 50 miler in 2 weeks.As time progressed and my running times improved I started to consider racing it and going for my BQ for 2014, to "get it out of the way" :) I know, crazy but I want to focus on ultras and it is hard to do that while running sub 8 minute miles ;)

I told myself that  I would see how I felt, if I got to the start line and felt good then I would go for it.

I got to Lowell early and met Kim!! She is a Spartan chick who has done amazing things this year and she was geared up to run her first marathon! We hung out in the high school and waited patiently for the bathroom. I got frustrated though waiting for almost a half hour and we got to T minutes 15 minutes to begin the race. I took matters into my own hands and hid behind a bush outside to pee. Little did I know it would not be the only time I would be relieving myself in the bushes that day...

Kim was a bright ray of sunshine!!!!!

I headed to the start line and began playing my music. I chatted with a few runners and began to do some calf raises and hops to warm up. I felt good. I actuall tapered well for this and my legs felt fresh as I started running. My miles were all 7:45s and I was surprised. I kept thinking DAMN I am cruising this course is nice and flat! hehe

I took in some honey about every 2 miles and drank at every other water stop just water. This plan was working well. The weather was perfect and honestly I do not think we could ask for much more. It was the perfect recipe for a BQ.

Well recipe started to take a turn when I accidently took in some gatorade at one of the water stops. I drank before I realized what it was. This was around mile 14. I normally never do gatorade because it never agrees with me. I freaked a bit but kept moving and tried to forget about it. But it came back to haunt me later. Well bad nutrition too.

So Saturday was not my normal pre race routine. Neither was Friday. I was all over the place working and running around doing errands I had to eat out all day Saturday and stuck to salads but still, being gluten free there is always worry of cross contamination. I also had some nuts on Saturday which I try to avoid but it was one of those, I am starving I need a quick simple snack deal.

My stomach started to rumble around mile 18. I felt like running into a porta potty but every single one I ran by was full. My pace took a hit. I was not seeing sub 8s anymore and I was started to feel discouraged. I knew I would have to stop and go to the bathroom. I thought about Vermont and what happened then. I was on target for my 3:25 just like today, but once I stopped and went to the bathroom I was never able to recover. I was determined not to lose that today. I was on target once again for that sub 3:30 and I was hungry for it.

I pondered for a mile about what to do. Meanwhile the pain got worse. I started to realize that I did not have a choice, I would have to stop and go to the bathroom or risk going all over myself. At the next water stop of course the porta potty was occupied and someone was waiting... I left. I am stubborn, I know you know that by now LOL So I did what I had no choice to do...

I realized towards the end of mile 20 if I did not pull over into the woods I would not make it any longer. Luckily there were some woods and a black guard rail so hopefully no one saw me. I went to the bathroom, it was the most disgusting experience I have ever had during a race. I desperately reached for some leaves (thank goodness its fall in New England) and I quickly got to my feet again. There is a first time for everything, I hope that was my last time experiencing that! It was terrible :(

One thing I was sure of, I had banked time doing those sub 8 miles the entire beginning of my race. I was NOW even more determined to still BQ. I told myself I did not get this far to lose it again, and I did not just shit in the woods and be a disaster for nothing! I got back into 8 minute miles and kept looking at my garmin.

I knew if I held onto my pace I could do it. I was grateful I had banked enough time earlier that even if I ran 9 minute miles I would squeek by with a BQ. I dug in deep because my stomach was still unsettled. I started to think about the past 2 days. I started to think about my daughter. A million things swirled through my mind. I knew I wanted this to prove someone wrong. I was dewtermined to nail this race despite everything that had happened.

I clung to the pace of 8:15 and mustered my way through those last 5 miles. It was probably the hardest 5 miles I have run in a very long time. I thought about stopping and walking in to save my stomach. I thought about stopping to go to the bathroom again. I did not do any of those things. I turned to a power song and I raised my head. I made the choice to not give up. I made the choice to keep fighting.

It turned out to be the right choice. I crossed that finish line in 3:32!!!!!!!!!!!

I did not wait around at that finish line for very long. I got right into a porta potty and sat there for a good 10 minutes :/ BUT after that I was ok. I walked back to the car and thank goodness I always travel to races with a change of clothes and baby wipes. I got cleaned up and I got some water in me. I felt sick. I knew I was dehydrated and I felt dizzy and weak. My mind was wrapped up into all that that I barely celebrated the BQ. I headed back down the finish line to wait for my friends to finish. I secured their medals as usual :) And I patiently waited.

They did awesome!!! Kim finished her first marathon!!! I was so proud of her.

Back at home my neice basked in my glory and carried on about the marathons she was planning to run with me :)

It took me a week to write this post. Part of it is life getting in the way. Part of it is an inner disappointment with my time. I trained for an ultra marathon which is in 5 days but I was ready for this. I could have gotten that 3:25 if my stomach had allowed it. So I felt a little disocuraged.

Now that I have had time to reflect I have realized that I made it through. I think some people might have quit after getting sick on the side of the road. I think some might not have made the BQ still. I think I am stubborn. I know that there may be tough races still to come, so I need to just keep moving forward and look forward to the future. But I want to be able to celebrate my victories even if they do not meet my personal goals I set.