I will be honest, it is hard to regain even a small amount of weight because I got so used to weighing the lighter weight. I am not sure I even make sense but you get it. I got used to hanging out in the 150s. Even in the low 160s I was ok. Now I am in uncharted territory. I hit 174 a few weeks ago and almost had a meltdown. I am back now hovering at 171. It might not sound like much to many people, but for me it is a big red flag.
I fill out my jeans that used to be loosely comfortable. I feel heavier when I workout. My legs are more taxed. I know these are minor changes but my point is, I feel them. I feel it. The weight. It is sitting like this ominous cloud on my hips, thighs, and stomach. It's like the excess weight is just sitting on my body. I feel like this body does not belong to me anymore.
I have not weighed this much in a year and a half. Seems like so long ago. And now I am struggling because I cannot remember what this feels like. I got used to running at 154 I loved wearing my small clothes and feeling good in them. I had confidence and felt good.
I know rationally that things are ok, and I am moving in the right direction but a part of me still feels like a big failure. A part of me keeps saying how the hell did you let it get this bad? You know how hard it is to lose weight how could you be so careless?
The truth is, I have no excuse. The truth is, I know it is careless. The last few months have been some of the most trying in my life. I am carrying burdens that I did not think would effect me as much as they have. I feel like a mess and it is hard to overcome that negativity. I feel so overwhelmed with guilt some days that I just have no motivation to do more. It is hard. I fight every day just to make it to the next and sometimes the fight in me is just not there.
(I miss my favorite dress being loose on me. I guess I should just be happy it still fits.)
The good thing is, I continue to work out. For one reason or another I have not let that slip. So I may be a few pounds away from goal weight, however I am still in good shape and I am now even running long distances again.
I hope in my heart that things change soon and I am able to be less stressed. I need the calamity of a quiet life for a little while. I feel like I have earned that much. I know that there is one thing that will remain constant in my life and that is my strong stubborn will. I am not going to give up and I am certainly not going to allow myself to gain anymore weight. I will cut out the things causing me stress before I let it ruin everything I have worked so hard to achieve.