5 Years Ago Today

Today is Friday the 13th. I never considered it to be an unlucky day until 5 years ago when I got the phone call that rocked my world and tore it in half and flipped it upside down. I was at work when my aunt called and told me that my Grandmother had gone to bed never to wake up again.

I will never forget that day.

I lost my angel.

I am not sure if I can do justice with words, exactly how much my grandmother meant to me. In a family where things were not great, she was my rock. When everyone else would abandon me or simply be too busy with their own lives, she was there for me always. I spent a lot of time with her.

I did not realize how much I learned from her at the time, but she really has shaped a large part of who I am.




It has been 5 years already but it still seems like yesterday to me. I remember her saying things like "everyone makes mistakes that's why there's erasers on pencils" and her always telling me I was smart and beautiful and I should not let people take it for granted. In my body I hated, she worked hard to teach me to love myself. She always had faith in me, and always supported me in any way I needed.

She was really the one person who could tell how I was feeling without me having to even say a word. I will never forget that. When I was miserable and wanting to hide away from a storm in life she would know just when to crawl into my space and pull me out. She did not let me quit on my life, she knew what I needed, love and support and she always gave it to me.

In a world where it seems few people really understand what I am going through, or even who I really am, it was nice to know Grandma was there. She really 'got me'. She was my angel, always guiding me down the right path, always ready to hold a light when I needed it.

She was also the glue that held our family together. She loved kids and always loved having her house filled with guests for the holidays. She would spend days preparing holiday special dishes and desserts and made sure everyone got together and celebrated. Family was important to her. And that is one thing I will never forget.

 

All I wish somedays, is that she got to be here when my own daughter was born. That she got to see how much becoming a mother would change me, how much she influenced my life choices and even though she is gone, how much she still influences the things I do. I know she is always watching over me, and I take comfort in that everyday. But sometimes it would be nice to be able to crawl back into her arms and let her hold me and hear her promise that everything will be ok.

So today, I will remember the woman who helped shaped the woman I have become. And I will thank God that she was a part of my life for as long as she was. I will remember the good times we had and smile. She touched my heart in many ways and I will always hold those memories with me.



Cutting Back on Artificial Sweeteners

This week I want to talk about cutting out hidden calories and junk that are around me all the time.

This is not a new concept for me, but it is a concept I have strayed from in the last few months and something I need to get back to. I pulled out my Paleo For Athletes book this week and dug into it again. I need to start eliminating the little things I have allowed to creep back into my habits, like non dairy sugar free creamer, and too much truvia. All of the artificial sweeteners I relied on to keep me going have go to now go.

I know it sounds silly, but those items in large quantities are often times just as unhealthy as having simply real sugar.

I think it gets easy when starting to turn your lifestyle healthy, to reply on these things to help transition. Believe me I am all for it. I told a friend the other day that is how I cut out soda and juice, I switched to crystal light for awhile. But then I eventually cut that down and went to strait water. And it is true, I went from having my iced french vanilla coffees from Dunkin Donuts with extra cream and extra sugar 3 times a day when I was obese to now sugar free and fat free and dairy free. Big changes that took a long time. And things like truvia, and non fat coffee creamers helped me over come it.

Today all I drink is water, coffee, and on occasion some Nuun. The problem is my coffee has been including sugar free coffee french vanilla creamer and a packet of truvia or 2. And I have 3-4 cups of coffee a day. That is a lot, and while on the grand scheme of things it does not seem like too much, it is. I have allowed coffee to take the place of other habits and it is creeping up to be too much.

So I have gotten my decaf teas back out into the rotation and I will be having those after my allotted 2 cups of coffee a day. Yes I will not give up my precious best friend coffee hehe but I will have to cut back for some time. When I wake up in the morning I have 2 cups, I will only have one now :( It will be tough. But it is all part of getting back to basics and more primal while I eat.

My goal?

To be able to drink my coffee black or just with some So Delicious coconut milk creamer that I loved so much. It is simple only 10 calories and fat free. Very much better for me than other options on the market. I would love to cut out truvia all together from my diet and just be free.

Do you have guilty pleasures that keep you from achieving goals that you set?

And today I will go to a Weight Watchers meeting. First one I have been to in 6 months :( I know, a long time... But it must be done. I need the accountability and support that I get from them. My sister has been going with 2 friends she got to go, (I got my sister to go) so it is amazing how it all comes around full circle :)

Getting Back to Weight Loss Basics

The little problem about being someone who once was obese and over weight?

The feeling of failure runs high in your mind everytime you have a set back. It has been a tough year for me since spring time. I will not sit here and make excuses because that is just not what I do. But I will say that there have been many things that are beyond my scope of being able to handle and I have weathered them.

I have been fighting like hell to keep things together and most days I win. But some days I fall. I will always have to deal with ups and downs, I know. I truly believe it is how you are during the downs that make the ups feel even that much better. So I have no regrets, and I am hopeful that the downs will slow down.

But there is something that needs to go down now, and that is the weight I have gained in the past few months. It really began after I qualified for Boston. I worked so hard all winter and maintained a racing weight that was really tough for me. Then I kind of let myself slide back a bit and relax. I was still running and working out a lot but I let myself gain about 5 pounds. Not a big deal.

Then I got injured. You would be amazed at how quickly your body changes when you are couch/bed ridden for a few weeks. I have jiggle where there never was jiggle. I started working out slowly doing cross training and things but it just is not the same as running. I miss my runners body. I miss the way a long run can burn 1600 calories and let me maintain my weight easier.

Anyways, enough whining and complaining. I am done now. I went for a short run yesterday, yes. My first one in 6 weeks. I took it easy because I wanted just to test the waters so to speak. It felt,

AMAZING.

Like a junkie missing a fix, I had really missed my runs. If for nothing more than to clear my head. It worked.

I made a marathon training plan last week and have been following it. This week I focused on getting back to basics with my eating habits and getting back to tracking calories and also points on Weight Watchers. It is kind of a pain to do both, but I think it will help me stay more accountable. I got kind of used to the My Fitness Pal app, and prefer it over the weight watchers app so we will see which one I ultimatly stick to in the end. Either way I know one thing, the scale said 174 pounds Tuesday July 10, 2012 and that is the last time I will see such a high number this year. My goal is to get back down to my lifetime goal weight of 158 pounds and MAINTAIN it for a long time.

16 pounds does not sound like a lot, but again, to someone who weighed 274 pounds at one point, 174 was scary all on its own. I need to get back to a comfortable level and stick there. I also did what always helps me, take a few progress pictures. I will take these once a month to make sure I am staying on track.

I will not let life get in my way. I will not let a torn calf, allow me to fall backwards and hit the ground with a thud. I will keep fighting and I will win, because I never give up.

Week 1 Unconventional Marathon Training Done!

Unconventional, like it?

I guess it fits me since I tend to do many other things in my life this way, hey why not training to? ;)

I am still not running due to the torn evil calf, however, I now have clearance to cycle carefully and do some leg strength training woohooo. And the physical therapist even said I can start walking daily, to listen to the body but to keep working on it all.

I felt so relieved when I got that good news on Friday. I wanted to jump for joy, but of course I have been told jumping will come last after running hahahaha. But I did a cycle for joy on Saturday morning after a quick swim instead :)

The week went well. I got in 2 swims. One 40 minute and one quick 15 minute one. I want to go for at least 3 swims per week so I need to add in one more.

I got in 3 rowing sessions. They were all good and 30-40 minutes every time. Rowing has become my way to get in some kind of tempo work and I enjoy it as much as I can. I will stick with 3 rowing sessions per week until I can run again.

I got in a walk and a 2 cycle sessions over the weekend! It felt ok. I have a series of stretches I do and I ice my calf daily to stay on top of everything. I just want to heal it completely before doing anything crazy.

I also made sure to do some core work every single day with at lease 5 minutes of planks, leg raises, sit ups, and trx work outs mixed in as well. I want to continue to strength train and I really feel the secret to a strong runner is a strong core, in my mind it all starts with your core. I will continue this into the following week and stay on top of my strength training.

So week 1 of marathon training is complete and I really feel like I will be ok. I will be ready to run a marathon this fall, even if it is not for time. I have come to accept the fact that I may not be running for time for the rest of the year. I will blog more about that later though ;)

For now I am looking forward to some cycle and swim sessions this week and getting ready to run a half marathon down the Cape in September. The Zooma Half Marathon is September 22nd and if you have not signed up yet, do not miss out!!!!! I have a special code too!!!! You can get a discount by using the code CCAMB10 

I hope to see some familiar faces running it with me this fall :)

Be the Driver In Your Life

This weekend I demolished my second bathroom and while I was sitting there with the crow bar tearing down moldy sheet rock I thought about what I was doing.

This bathroom had a pipe leak and has needed to be redone for many months. I shut the door and avoided it because it is a lot of work. I walk by it every day and even look at it from time to time and get frustrated. Finally, I came home on Saturday morning and said enough is enough. I took out my tools and went at it for a good hour tearing down the sheet rock and cleaning it out.

I realized that I had been avoiding doing the work for a long time. And I realized it was similar to the way I walked around obese for 10 years. Avoiding hard work.

We all become guilty of this at one point or another. We have these projects looming over us and it seems as if we will never be able to get them done. So we close the door and look the other way each day and hope it magically goes away on its own. I waited for a long time hoping my weight would just come off of me.

I was a passenger in my own life.

That is what a passenger looks like.

Usually when we decide to become the driver, it is from something driving us. An inner force takes over and we cannot compete any longer, we make the choice to become a driver in our life and force the passenger to the side. It does not matter what drives you to wake up, but I will say this, embrace it.

Take the force that drives you and learn from it. Allow the inner push to come out and take you from the passenger seat and into the drivers seat. Whatever you have been avoiding and closing the door on, open it up and take a look at it.

Does it make sense to keep walking past that broken wall everyday and not fix it? Does it make sense to look at those department stores and wish you could shop there again?

Nope.

It does make sense to stand up and do something about it. Even if you do not know what to do, ask for help.

I knew how to tear down the sheet rock so that is what I started doing. I do not know how to fix the plumbing and disconnect the sink and toilet so I can finish tearing down the walls, so I called someone to come over and help me do that. Similarly, when I knew I wanted to lose weight I did not know how to go about doing it. I walked into a Weight Watchers meeting and asked for help. It was the lowest point of my obesity ridden life. But I survived. I hated calling for help with the bathroom, I wanted to do it all on my own, but I knew if I wanted to be a driver, I would have to get some help.

Most drivers have a navigation system, map, or directions when they are traveling to a new destination. It works the same way in life. When we want to carve out a new destiny for ourselves we need help. Do not be afraid to turn on the navigation system and get some turn by turn directions while embarking on your lifestyle changes. Those directions will keep you moving forward in the right direction no matter what detours you may face.

Do not be a passenger on the ride of your life, be the Driver moving forward down the right road.

This is what a driver looks like :)

Are you a passenger in your life or are you driving?