I Am Broken.

It has been a whirlwind of a week.

It has been the kind of week that makes you want to run to the nearest closet and hide out for a few months. It has been the kind of week that takes every single ounce of strength to get through. Well for me, that is how it has felt. I know things could be worse, I know, I know it is not the end of the world, but the truth of the matter is, on Tuesday when my lower leg blew up twice the size of the other one, and I could barely walk. I felt like my entire world was ending.

 

I went to the emergency room Tuesday night around 10 pm when I realized the swelling was only getting worse. Fearing for a DVT, a bllod clot in the leg, I had my dad come to my house to hang out since Peanut was sleeping and I went to the er. They had me there all night, running blood work, an ekg, a cat scan and in the morning an ultra sound. All that and diagnosis?

No DVT, thank goodness! But, they had no idea what was going on muscular wise. They gave me some crutches and sent me home with the plan of resting and calling my pcp. I was confused, and upset. I had slept about an hour total Tuesday night so needless to say, Wednesday was a scary day. I was cranky all day and I spent the rest of the day on the phone trying to get in to see an orthopedic doctor and my pcp.

Thursday, the learning day. I tried to drive myself to pcp in the am and learned that driving with a swollen painful right leg was a bad idea. Luckily my sister was around and she took me to the ortho in the afternoon. And good thing because I came out of there 3 hours later with this:

 I am lucky, I got into a hopsital out of Boston with a sports medicine orthopedic doctor and he set me up for an MRI on Friday morning. I have an appointment with him Monday afternoon where I will learn about what is next.

For now, I know this. I am on crutches. I am in a full leg splint. And tentativly the doctor looked at the MRI scans quickly this afternoon and said it looks like a muscle strain. So, hopefully this means I can be back on my feet in no time.

For right now, I am learning to ask for help. On Wednesday, when I realized I would not be able to do simple mundane things it was tough. You know, it did not even hit me about the running really, it was more of, how am I going to take care of my toddler? Being a single mom has really been a challenge and lately when you throw other obstacles in the way, it makes me feel even weaker. Wednesday was a bad day.

But then Thursday came. After a rough painful morning on Thursday I started to make a plan. I started to realize that I do need help. I do need to ask for it. And I have a wonderful supportive team behind me who will be there when I need them. My sisters have been great, my dad has been great, and my friend has been great. All of my online supporters have even been great helping me stay positive. I appreciate all of it. I need all of it. I learned I will be fine just have to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

I do not know when I will run again. I do not know exactly what I will have to do to fix my leg. There is so much up in the air at this point, I do not even know when the splint will come off, or the crutches will go away and I will be able to simply drive again.

I do know that I refuse to give up. First I refuse to sit on the couch and get depressed and gain weight. I will find a way to workout and cross train. I will maintain a level of fitness and perhaps even gain some upper body and core strength even more. One more thing, I do know I love this little girl and she has loved having mommy stuck on the couch with her leg up so she can have extra snuggle time. And that has kept me from losing my mind :)

Vermont City Marathon Race Recap

I just realized I still have not posted this, I am sorry it took so long. Things in my life turned upside down after this race. I will blog more about it in the next few weeks. For now this will be my last race recap for a few months and it was hard to hit publish knowing that. 

Well folks, marathon 6 is done and in the books. It will be one I truly will never forget for many reasons.

The KeyBank Vermont City Marathon was a great weekend. I hung out in Berlington when I got there Saturday and spent some time catching up with some great running buddies.

I had dinner with some friends and spent time catching up and of course planning, more races :)

Race day forecast called for sunshine and 70s. That was not too bad. All week I was sick and I left myself open to the possibility that not starting might have to be the right choice. I had both ears infected and a sinus infection paired with a cough from seasonal allergies, it left me wondering.

Nonetheless I woke up Sunday morning and planned to run. I knew backing out was not a possibility when I saw the sun and started in on my normal pre race am routine. I headed out to the start line hopeful. One issue was the porto potties, not enough! This was also an issue on the race course. But yes the line went on forever and we almost missed the start of the race waiting! But it was good to have some company while waiting:

 Gotta love Gene and his jazz hands! He was a great supporter on Sunday!!! He came out just to cheer for Eva, Damian and me and all the other runners in Vermont.

Literally almost missing the start of the race, I ran over to the start line and snuck in as the crowd started going. I must admit, I felt good. I was cruising along with the 3:35 pace group and ran that first mile 7:45. I looked down at my Garmin and remember thinking, hey instead of taking it slow lets push for a PR today.

Now, why did I think it would be a good idea? I do not know. Looking back obviously I know it was a bad idea. Being sick all week and still on meds I should bot have done it. But at the time, I felt good and I wanted to go for it. So off I went. Miles 2-4 were super fast too low 7s and I just kept saying maybe today is the day Colleen, go for that 3:25 that you trained for.

I was on pace for it, by mile 3 I had passed the 3:30 pace group and I had consistent 7:40s on my garmin. Now that I look at my splits online the chip time at mile 10 was a perfect 1 hour and 18 minutes. My 7:49 goal race pace. I hit it. I was on fire. I felt amazing. I felt like a PR and a sub 3:30 marathon would be in my grasp. At the half way point I was at 1:44 I had slowed slightly, but I was still confident that I could negative split and be fine for my big sub 3:30 finish.

Somewhere around mile 15, and this little place called Battery St. and a huge hill, things decided to take a turn for the worst. I barely made it up the hill. My legs felt heavy and my stomach was revolting. A combination of antibiotics and racing just was not working for me. I had to stop and go to the bathroom right after that. By then it was also getting hotter outside and the sun was beating down on me.

I thought I could shake it off. I thought I would be ok. But something had happened. My body quit. For the first time during a marathon I felt like I wanted to quit. The misery continued for a few more miles. At mile 20 I was at 2:45 and by then I knew any hopes of a PR were shot. It is amazing, over the course of 5 miles the 3:30 pace group had passed me and I had given up the PR goal for the day. Then came the bike path.

The final stretch of the race was through the woods on a paved bike path. It was good because it was shady but the ground was uneven. For some reason I struggled. I think I was dehydrated. I had to go to the bathroom again but could not find one for a few miles. That was the worst feeling ever. By the time I found a porta potty it was mile 24 and I started puking as well. First time I have ever been this sick during a marathon.

I actually contemplated stopping so many times during those final 6 miles. My head phones had died, so not only was I terribly sick to my stomach but my music was gone to. It was just me and the road, normally this is good but on a mentally tough run music always pulls me through. I do not know how I made it. I forced myself to jog the entire time, I just kept telling myself that once this race was over I would take a break. Just kept willing the legs to hold on.

I crossed the finish line finally at 3:51. I did no even care, I was just happy that I finsihed.

As soon as I got there I almost collapsed. They took me into the medical tent and helped me rest for a few minutes. After that I wandered around and spent some time laying down under a tree while waiting for my friends to finish. I felt sick and lousy but there was not much I could do. I kept trying to drink water and rehydrate.

I got excited when Eva finished strong!!! She came in earlier than her New Jersey time a few weeks ago because shes a rock star :) And Damian got himself a shiny new 25 minute PR as well!!

 Good job to both of them!!!!

There is one little lady who really approves of Mommy's shiny newest addition to the medal collection, well 2 actually ;)

 My niece Shyann loves Aunties medal almost as much as the Peanut!

I learned a lot at this race. Perhaps I will share more later. For now, I just have to say that I had a good time running with some inspirational running friends and over all it was a nice time!