I Am Healing

Sometimes I wish we could wear signs, not big ones but even maybe tiny ones so that people could see what was going on inside of us without us having to divulge it all and discuss it. I think its a great idea since I hate sharing my feelings and what is going on.

I love to keep things to myself, retreat into a cave and mull it over for awhile. The problem with this is it is not socially accepted all the time. SO I would love the idea of wearing a tiny sign so people would be cautious and know when to let me be. You could have one for sad days, that says I am quiet. One for happy days I am OK. One for grumpy days that says Proceed with caution. And one for times when you just do not want to get hurt I am healing.

I think about everything I have been through and that would be my sign right now. I am fragile. I thought I had everything planned out for my life and it turned out it was wrong. Now I am ok with this and I am moving forward. But it is a process. And I need to go through that process. There are times when I feel like I will be ok, and then there are times when I feel like retreating back to my cave for awhile.

I am noticing that it is easier when I do try to talk to my friends and share my feelings, but sometimes I just get even more angry. I am a work in progress. I do not have it all figured out. I am not sure if I ever will. I do know that one day this will all be behind me and I will be stronger for it.

I already feel stronger already. I am learning that I deserve to be happy all of the time. That the things I want are not too difficult to expect from life and I should really focus on allowing myself to have them. I am worthy. I did not always believe it. I still have trouble believing it and I am healing until I really in my heart have accepted it, I am worthy. I need to surround myself with people who make me feel like this every single day no matter what. As hard as that is, I need to do it.

When I can wear that sign I will be ready for anything. I will put myself in better situations, and I will make the smarter choices. When I really accept the I am worthy, I will live it every single day.

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Food Friday! My Favorite Breakfast

It is Friday again and I cannot wait to swap food ideas with some of my favorite people this week.

I had a good week and stayed on track without any big issues.

This week I made my favorite breakfast. I labeled it Paleo Pie in my Weight Watchers recipe builder. I have a wedge of it in the morning and it keeps me full through till lunch.

 I get a lot of questions on this recipe when I post pics on twitter so here it is:
2 cups of egg beaters or egg whites
12 ounces of ground turkey I use the 93% lean one
6 ounces almond cheese
chopped veggies, my faves: zuccini, onion, tomato, pepper, and broccoli
All I do is cook the turkey, then mix it all together and bake it in a pie dish for about 45 minutes to an hour on 350. Then its done. I cut it into 6 wedges and have a wedge for breakfast, each wedge is only 4 points plus! And its almost paleo minus the almond cheese which is debatable ;)
I like having this handy for the morning when my toddler does not give me time to eat, or even as a mid day snack after  workout. It is protein packed and pretty filling. I heat it up in the microwave and eat it warm.

 I made salads this week and added in some ground turkey and avocado for a different feeling rather than boring chicken breast. I have found when I switch it up it helps, also I use fresh salsa instead of salad dressing so it saves my calories and points and lets in some avocado. I always forget how much I love avocado until I have some :)

 A great go to snack for me this week was summer squash and zucchini. I slice them and broil them for awhile until they cook and keep them on hand to snack on whenever I am hungry.


PS The Fight Forever 5K and 10K is only 8 days away!!!! Have you signed up yet? I am getting super excited and mailing out Bib Numbers this week to all of our virtual runners :)

The Hardest Part of the Day

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 Night time.

Never used to bother me.

Now I sit alone at night and I despise it. In fact I have such a hard time now that it has caused me to not sleep much.

Really it is the loneliest part of the day. You can stay busy all day long, I have peanut to take care of she keeps me going. I have friends I can call and talk to and go see. I have work going on. I have tons to do. I stay busy and keep my mind off things.

And then slowly the clock ticks down and it gets later and later. And everyone starts going to bed, or off to watch tv and live their lives. It is dark outside and the sun has left for the day. Much like everything else.  And I sit and my mind starts to wonder. I start to think about life, where mine is headed and am I making the right choices.

I start to just think because well when you are alone at night there is not much else you can do. I cannot leave the house, I cannot go for a run or even a nice walk because my toddler is sleeping soundly. But it would not probably matter much anyways because what normal person roams outside late at night?

Normally night time is catch up time with a spouse or partner. It is the quiet time after dinner and craziness of the day that you can sit and unwind and relax and talk. When you live with a person for many years you develop that routine. Even if you are not talking, or in the same room, the house is still not empty.

Night time. No matter where I am whether home, or away on business, I still cannot over come this empty lonely feeling when night falls. I keep telling myself it will pass, that I will adjust. That one day I will enjoy having my quiet night time and look forward to it all day. I am just not sure when that day will be. I have always been a people person. I need to be around other people, I crave that daily human interaction.

For me, being alone, the hardest part of the day is night time. It is the loneliest part of it all.

My First DNF Did Not Finish

Yesterday was a hard day for me.

This is the first time I have no giddy race report to write, no beaming medal photos to share. It stings.

Honestly, since I finished the Hyannis Marathon and ran the best I ever have in my life it has been hard. I was on a tough training cycle for that marathon and it worked, I got what I wanted. But it left me in a less desirable condition physically then I would have liked.

My knee has been in pain ever since. I tried to run a few times that week and it was ok as long as I took it slow. Last Sunday I had to stop during my long run, at mile 8.5 because my knee gave out twice. It was the first time in my whole 18 months running that I quit during a long run. It bothered me, but I was determined to not give up and I took it easy but ran a few times during the week and felt ok.

Sunday I geared up to run the Half of Quincy. A half marathon in which I ran last year and loved. The course is beautiful, and I had several friends going so it was a fun filled day. I started the race feeling great, this was my first half marathon since November and I was eager to really race and get a PR because I knew I was physically in much better shape that I was in November. I knew I could pull sub 8 miles the entire way and I was for the entire beginning of the race.

And then my knee gave out after the hill around mile 5. At first it was a sharp pain, I knew it would come I was just not expecting it this soon. Then at mile 6 it gave out completely and I almost fell but I caught myself on my other leg. The pain was excruciating. By mile 7 I knew that it was not going to stop. I thought I could just slow down and shuffle my way in. But even that was hurting. So in tears I quit the race at mile 8.

I do have to say, at this point Sarah, from daily mile was shouting my name and stopped mid race and hugged me, she told me how much she loved reading about my runs/journey and how she has been wanting to meet me. I felt so touched, that someone knew me and felt that comradery from a fellow runner.  Sarah, I am sorry I was not able to see you after the race but I know you finished strong, you looked great out there. And I needed that hug and to hear your kind words more than ever at that moment. So Thank you!

A million things went through my mind, I kept thinking about how I have never quit during a race, and how this entire journey of losing weight and running my motto has always been 'never give up' and now here I was doing just that. I was in a dark place all day. For more reasons than just the race. I have deeper issues than the knee going on but that is for other posts.

It was tough, but I made the choice to stop because I knew if I did not then I might not be running the Boston Marathon in a few weeks. I knew if I pushed myself on this race then it would put me out even longer and worse. So I sat down in tears and made my way to the police cruiser. It was kind of a night mare, I have never needed aide during a race and honestly I am thankful. No one helped me. I hobbled over to the officer and he called the ambulance.

I explained I did not want to go to the hospital that I just wanted a ride to my car. They could not bring me they said they were only allowed to bring people to the hospital. I sat down in dismay and wondered how I would get all the way back to the start area since I was many miles away and in pain. Then the officer offered to bring me once his detail was done in about 20 minutes, I thought that was so nice. And he did. I am so thankful for him!

I got back to my car and did one of the only things I know would help, wrapped in Arctic Ease and cried. I just felt miserable not from the pain physically, but more mentally. It was tough.I took a picture, even though I did not want to because I want to remember how I felt. I needed to have this to remind myself how it feels, later on.

A new low in the running arena for me. But I had to learn that not everyday will be a PR, or even a finish, some days it is wiser to sit down and accept defeat.

I debated just driving home at that point, but I had friends running and I knew I had to support them no matter what, and I am glad I stayed because both Heather and Brenna had PR days!

I am so proud of those 2!!! Great job girls, I am so glad we got to be there to run with you and thank you for being there to help me feel better. I was glad that even though I did not finish, I had supportive friends there with me to lean on.

Thank you everyone who has been supportive. I know I have opened up a lot on here and I have received so much support. It means a lot to me and has helped me trough the journey.

What I Feel Today: Failure

I contemplated posting, not posting, but when I was younger I always was able to write, it helped me release feelings and brought me solace. SO I will post these thoughts I have written down today and I am closing the comments because I am not looking for advice, I am not looking for a judgement. Just saying how I feel...

I am a runner. I used to be the fat girl who hid in her closet crying when clothes did not fit anymore. That was my life. I started losing weight and getting healthy and I became a runner. I liked running a lot and worked hard at it and I became faster and faster.

I trained for the Hyannis Marathon all winter and I worked my ass off. I qualified for the Boston Marathon. I reached what 2 years ago had been only a mere dream. And then over the course of 3 weeks it has all unraveled right before my eyes. My knee is so bad that I cannot run faster than an 8 minute mile without pain. When I go near a hill, forget it.

I feel like a failure, and I know what you will say, you will say its ok, rest up. There will be more races; there will be other days to run. And truthfully yes there will be. But today, right now, I feel like I have failed. My life has changed a lot in the last 3 and half months. I began a new job and have embarked on a new journey career wise.  I also have ended my relationship with my daughter’s father. I have been a single mom since the beginning of the year.

I feel like I failed my family. I already felt like I was not a good enough partner to be married for quite a few years. But I kept thinking if I had only gotten skinnier, if I had only gotten better at life then maybe I would be good enough for him to marry me. I felt like I was the problem. I felt like if I changed enough, if I got better enough, that it would make him happier and I would have the family I dreamed about.

I had my daughter and then I threw my life into her. I thought if I did everything possible to be the best mom I could, if I could give her everything and make her life perfect, then again we would be a family. I began losing weight and I began to realize that I was happier when I was active and social. I began to realize that no matter what I did, I did not have a life partner by my side.

It took me about 6 months to be able to find the strength to end our relationship and it was hard. I had stayed for awhile trying again for my daughter. I told myself that my own happiness did not matter as long as she had 2 parents in the same house then she would be better off. That is how I grew up. My parents stayed married for 21 years and for 20 of those years were not happy. I thought it was how life was meant to be lived.

But then I realized that by me being unhappy, my daughter would too be unhappy one day. She would not enjoy seeing me sad or going to family holiday parties just me and her. We lived our own life because we had no support anyways. I made the choice to end the relationship and it made me feel bad. I had lived with this notion for so long that 2 parents with their children=family. Again the 'never give up' motto played in my mind. I felt like I was giving up on him and us and our family.

A lot has fallen apart and unraveled these past few months, but I had running. I knew I could put on my sneakers, go outside and feel amazing. I love to run fast, it makes me feel amazing. If everything is going wrong, I have running at the end of the day it gives me a sense of identity. Through the ending of everything and through this point I had my running and the speed I earned and it made me feel good.

Now I sit here wondering what I will have, what I will focus on and where I will go from here. It is scary, it makes me sad. I feel like hiding back in that closet and crying until the tears are gone until I cannot take anymore. And that at this point right now, is where I am.