What Is Coming Tomorrow!

Tomorrow will be a better day.

This month has been trying, and as you know if you read everything is changing in my life. BUT, I was at the gym on Thursday night and I killed my 5k treadmill run, finished it up in 21:12. Then I headed down stairs to TRX class and felt great for that too. In fact, so great that I ran another mile before I went home.

I often say running is my therapy but really I realized working out is the therapy. I realized that I am a warrior and I am strong. I used to be weak but these past 2 years I have only gotten stronger and stronger. And last night I looked in the mirror at the gym and it was then I saw this strong woman who stands up every single day. I carved her out from her old body, I molded her into this. I felt her last night. I knew that no matter what happens she will be there.

Not sure if any of it makes sense, but it does in my head ;)

Yes I am sad. Yes I am having a hard time getting through everything going on in my life right now and saying goodbye. But I still am physically strong and I can use that to get me through the parts where I need to be mentally strong as well.

And I have to remember that as hard as each day will be, I can count on the fact that tomorrow will be a little bit easier and a little bit brighter. I know in fact tomorrow will be better because for the first time in my entire life I will be stepping outside to run the longest I have ever attempted to run. I will be running my first 50K :)

I cannot wait :)

On Saying Goodbye

Goodbye is hard.

Like the setting of the sun it gets dark for quite some time before we see the light again.

I have wrestled with blogging about it, not blogging about it. I guess I still am teetering with it. But it is a part of my journey and to date I have shared this journey here on my blog. So I did not think it would be fair if I stopped now. No matter how I may be judged it is what it is. And it will be what it will be.

These past few weeks have been some of the most trying in my life so far. I am saying goodbye to the person who has been my partner and friend for the last 9 years.

When I think about it, I never imagined it would happen. I never imagined that I would be the one that would be the catalyst for it all. I did not imagine my journey would land me right in this very spot at this very time.

I am sad, because saying goodbye is so hard to do. But I know that the sadness will ease and in time I will heal. It just takes time. There is also this immense feeling of guilt. That I changed so much and cannot go back. This feels like a selfish move for me.

The problem is, I am so happy with my life as it is. I love running, I love being at a healthy weight, I love being around my family and friends and smiling. I do not love being made to feel guilty when those things are not liked by someone else. I do not like feeling like I have to make excuses for going after the goals I want.

What I am learning about this entire process and what I am grateful for is that I have friends. Some good friends and some of which have been through this very same process and who have given me some great advice throughout this journey. I have learned to lean on them and let them hold me up on days when I feel like falling.

So just like sun setting today may be dark, and it might take time for the sunshine to come back. But I know that one day I will see the sunrise again and that this time it will be alright and I will be happier than I ever have been in my entire life.

Twas The Week of an Ultra...

You probably know by now, but I will be running my first Ultra Marathon on Saturday morning in the chilly Cape Cod. Yep 50K or 31 miles, I will be running on Saturday. I am hoping it is mild weather and that the snow stays away ;)

A few things have been running through my mind this week as I prepare, or just keep running like normal, for the day.  I guess my main fear is that I will get tired and not be able to finish. I know I can run far, but 31 miles is the longest I have ever tried to run at once. After I ran 29 I realized I would eventually attempt an ultra so it was only a matter of time but still it haunts me.

Second, I worry that the weather will suck. Living in New England it is hard to prepare for races weather wise. You could wake up to freezing temperatures, snow, rain, or anything really. Currently the weather report is calling for sunshine and 42 degrees. I would love for that to be true!

Third, I am worried about the course. It is not a paved normal road. The CCFFA website says it is along the sandy beaches... This means it will be a lot tougher than running on smooth pavement. My favorite line is "this is not a race for wussies" haha if that does not make me feel uneasy I do not know what will!

I am looking forward to Saturday for a few reasons too. Mainly I am kind of sickly excited at the chance to run far. I have a lot going on in my personal life and running has become my medicine. There is nothing like cruising through a long run to sort out your thoughts. I know Saturday will help me relax as crazy as it may sound.

Also I will get to run with people! Sometimes, many times actually, most of my long runs are alone and they get rather lonely out there especially in the cold winter months. One of my friends is going to do his long run so I am happy. There will also be all the other crazy ultra runners and I am kind of excited to meet people who run these types of races all the time.  After all this is my first one of this type of race so I am looking forward to that.

I have been following an advanced marathon training plan in the hopes to qualify for Boston in Hyannis next month. SO I am planning to treat this run on Saturday like a long slow steady Galloway training run. I am hoping I can keep my steady favorite training pace of 9:15ish per mile. It will be good for me to see if I can last the entire 31 miles and hopefully make me feel stronger for Hyannis next month.

So yes there is nerves, I mean I could not race without those ;) But there is also a bit of excitement here too as I kick of 2012 with my first race!!!

Staying on the Harder Path

Often we find ourselves at a cross roads in life.

I never thought about it much until this journey began. I was always taking the road that was easier to see. I would always go where it looked like I could walk easily. Often that road did not make me happy but it did make life seem less complicated.

Then 2 years ago my journey began. I stepped foot on another foreign road and made the commitment to take it for as long as I could handle. That road has led me to the healthy path I am currently on. About 2 months ago I once again was faced with a new road, that of a tougher marathon training plan. I decided I would go for the bumpy ride and hope to hang on.

It has been an interesting adventure to say the least. I run more miles during the week than I ever have before. Last week the tally peaked at 55 miles. By Sunday when I had my 20 miler I was tired. It was actually quite a rough run yesterday.I began to doubt the entire plan and my body and its capabilites.

I began to wonder why the heck I wanted to train so hard and what I really would accomplish by the end of it all. I was running and about mile 14 I thought I would stop. I contemplated it for a half mile, thinking of what it would be like to just stop and rest. It would feel good of course. Then I thought about what qualifying for Boston would feel like. I really stopped and thought about that feeling. I realized then that stopping during my long run, or giving up on this tougher training plan would feel good but not as good as qualifying for Boston.

The instant gratification we get from quitting ever comes close to the feeling of finishing something. But it is hard, we live in such a harried rushed society that we are always looking for the instant gratification. It takes patience and diligence to wait patiently and work hard for a reward that may be weeks or months away.

So when on a long run I try to remind myself of that. I think about how I felt when I was obese, and how long it took to get healthy. I think about the reward of fitting into new clothes, airline seats, and being medication free. I think about all of those things and remember it did not happen instantly. Those took over a year to achieve. And then I remember the most important thing, it was all worth it.