One reason I have not yet posted is because some of it is hard to talk about. Another is because it may make things even worse for me than they already are. A third is it is just hard for me to get ultra personal on here without hurting people. A fourth is sometimes I am just too chicken to deal with life issues head on.
But, I want to move forward and I believe by moving forward you have to face demons and slay them one by one. The demon I have been facing lately comes in the form of guilt. There are people, maybe one in particular that has tried to make me feel guilty for my decisions this year. Really for my decisions the past 2 years. I have tried to let it go, tried to explain why I have chosen the path I have, but they relentlessly seem to try to make me see things from their perspective.
This perspective is: being a runner is bad. Being a mom means caring for your child 24 hours a day 7 days a week and not running much at all. Working where a schedule will allow for you to be home as much as possible. I actually heard that when my daughter sees someone running along the side of the road she asks if its me.
When I heard this I felt proud, my daughter associates me with being a runner? As a mom who was on 7 medications a day, and considered higher risk during her pregnancy because she was morbidly obese, the fact that my 3 year old now sees me as a runner, and I am off all my medications and I over came obesity?!? How could anyone not be proud? Right?!?
I was proud the day I got to take her home. But not within my own body.
Wrong. I was told that this was bad, and that a child should not associate their parent with something like this. I was told I run too much and put her second. I was told I was just not a good mother.
And honestly? Sometimes, I believed it. Sometimes I let it get the best of me and I am irrational and I let it bother me. Sometimes I let myself feel guilty for going for a run and leaving her with one of my sisters for an hour. Sometimes I wait to long run until she is not around so i feel less guilty about it.
I am working on being more rational. Being more and more able to stand up to the people who say me being a runner is bad for my daughter. And most days, I do feel good about it. Most days I am able to go for a run and enjoy myself.
Most importantly I have learned that to live without regret is always best.
I do not regret becoming a runner. I do not regret the decisions I made regarding my life this year. I have done everything I have done for a reason, for a purpose, to be happy and healthy both mentally and physically. And you know what? It has worked.
I know that I have more patience to listen to my daughter and take care of her now that exercise is a part of my daily routine. I know that I am setting a much better example for my daughter now that I eat healthy. You know we went trick or treating last night and she did not even like any candy. She opened one pack of twizzlers took a bite and did not like it. We ended up eating turkey on the way home together. That would not have happened before when I was obese.
She is learning healthy habits from me just by watching. I am helping her beat that statistic that took my by shock 3 years ago: a child is more likely to be obese by 50% when one parent is obese. Before I was giving my daughter a head start on my miserable life. Now I have taken that away and am replacing that with a head start to good health. We work out together and she loves it. She associates exercise with fun and I know that this will continue to increase as she gets older.
I love how she has already embraced healthy activities like gymnastics. And she loves coming into the gym :)
I love the fact that my daughter sees me as a runner. Runners are strong, confident, and smart individuals. We are constantly setting goals and achieving them. Runners are a positive influence and if my daughter associates me with all of these things, how could I not be honored?
She always loves going running with me in her buggy :)
Most important than anything else?
I am happy. I smile every single day when I am with her. And not just a fake smile, but a real genuine one because despite all of our ups and downs this year we are still fighting together. Despite whatever has come my way I have still managed to stay on track and succeed. I have kept fighting for her and for me. And all of it has made me stronger and happier. I have no regrets. I have no doubts. I know in my heart that I did what was best for myself and for her because when you are happy in your own life within yourself it reflects onto others. A happy person is a positive one and a positive person is a much better example for a child than a negative one.
So I am vowing to always live my lift this way, without regret. I want to be happy and healthy and enjoy all the quiet moments that life has to offer and all of the things I used to take for granted, like my health and happiness. I will love my daughter and always live for her, but part of loving her is being able to take care of myself and be happy, this is what makes me a good mom. This is what makes her happy, to see me smiling makes her smile. So the next time she sees a runner and asks if it is me I hope someone smiles and says maybe.
I know which mom is winning today :)
I learned one thing during this journey, the thing in which I will never ever forget: Sometimes you have to take the hard path and go down it alone. It may not be easy, and it may piss people off, but in the end you have to make the best choice for yourself and ignore those who may not always see what is best for you.
You have to live without regret.