I will be honest, it is hard to regain even a small amount of weight because I got so used to weighing the lighter weight. I am not sure I even make sense but you get it. I got used to hanging out in the 150s. Even in the low 160s I was ok. Now I am in uncharted territory. I hit 174 a few weeks ago and almost had a meltdown. I am back now hovering at 171. It might not sound like much to many people, but for me it is a big red flag.
I fill out my jeans that used to be loosely comfortable. I feel heavier when I workout. My legs are more taxed. I know these are minor changes but my point is, I feel them. I feel it. The weight. It is sitting like this ominous cloud on my hips, thighs, and stomach. It's like the excess weight is just sitting on my body. I feel like this body does not belong to me anymore.
I have not weighed this much in a year and a half. Seems like so long ago. And now I am struggling because I cannot remember what this feels like. I got used to running at 154 I loved wearing my small clothes and feeling good in them. I had confidence and felt good.
I know rationally that things are ok, and I am moving in the right direction but a part of me still feels like a big failure. A part of me keeps saying how the hell did you let it get this bad? You know how hard it is to lose weight how could you be so careless?
The truth is, I have no excuse. The truth is, I know it is careless. The last few months have been some of the most trying in my life. I am carrying burdens that I did not think would effect me as much as they have. I feel like a mess and it is hard to overcome that negativity. I feel so overwhelmed with guilt some days that I just have no motivation to do more. It is hard. I fight every day just to make it to the next and sometimes the fight in me is just not there.
(I miss my favorite dress being loose on me. I guess I should just be happy it still fits.)
The good thing is, I continue to work out. For one reason or another I have not let that slip. So I may be a few pounds away from goal weight, however I am still in good shape and I am now even running long distances again.
I hope in my heart that things change soon and I am able to be less stressed. I need the calamity of a quiet life for a little while. I feel like I have earned that much. I know that there is one thing that will remain constant in my life and that is my strong stubborn will. I am not going to give up and I am certainly not going to allow myself to gain anymore weight. I will cut out the things causing me stress before I let it ruin everything I have worked so hard to achieve.
10 comments:
You will get back where you want to be. I have to believe this because you could have been writing about me the past few months.
It's part of the journey Colleen.
I way get this as I figure out how to get back down to the weight that I really loved (160ish) but the truth is we are strong people. We run far. We lift heavy shit. We leave a lot of sweat on the floor when we're done moving our bodies more in one day than what most people do in one week.
Stress is a big weight keeper. So is the mindset that we should stop eating or work out even more. We just have to keep doing what we know is right for our bodies. What we know is right for our health.
Good to get it out in the open and let some of that stress go.
xoxo
T
It's hard to care when under stress but it is obvious that you do care and are doing something positive to take up the fight for your best weight again. You have caught it soon enough that it won't take long to get back to where you feel good about yourself. Don't beat yourself up; it won't help anyway. We can only go forward. Take care.
I know EXACTLY how you feel.... those few extra pounds make a world of difference. Even if (for me) its just a mind thing. Keep up the good work, you are always an inspiration to me!!!
xoxo
Dani
www.thatfitnesschic.blogspot.com
Hey Colleen! Everyone's been there--when you encounter stress, it's easy to withdraw into negativity and guilt. Unfortunately, we can't put our lives (both the good and bad!) on hold for weight loss, and even if we could, it still goes on once we get to where we want.
Tony Robbins explains that a need for comfort and certainty is one of our basic human needs–so if you go home and know you can dissolve whatever issues you had during the day through eating, the need is met. However, we can get caught in an unhealthy cycle where we know what we’re doing isn’t helpful for weight loss, but keep doing it out of want for that comfort. Take a look at the video in my link. It does a great job explaining our different needs and how those sorts of habits develop–and more importantly, how to stop the difference between what we know we should do and what we end up doing.
You'll get there. Everyone has those up's and down's, and life and stuff.
The forest for the trees, you know? You'll be okay.
Like everyone else I'm sure you'll get back to where you need to be. The scale is already heading in the right direction.
Deb
God spoke something to me a few months back that has stayed with me:
If the burden is too heavy, then it's not mine to carry.
Peace is always available to you, no matter what comes your way. Jesus said we'll have trouble in this world, but He left us with peace. Peace is not dependent on the external; we can have peace internally despite what is going on around us.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Jesus
Praying for you, friend.
Hey!! I gave you a blogger award on my blog. :)
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I can tell when I gain even 1 lb. It is very discouraging for me. But, as I've come to know you more & more, you are such an amazing and strong woman. You'll get back to your goal weight. Keep up the awesome job.
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