I started to think about this a lot lately.
No worries, the torn calf is healing and I should be running in a few weeks. But I thought it would be interesting to think about for myself, what if?
What if I never was able to run again? How would I be?
Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love running. Anyone who sees my race photos cannot mistake how happy I genuinely look when I am running 26.2 miles. So then, what would happen if something bad happened and I was not able to physically run every again?
I think that a few things would happen.
First I would go through a dark phase. It would be hard for me to come to terms with not running. It might take a long time to even comprehend the fact that running was no longer going to be a part of my life. I would get depressed just thinking about it.
Then I would probably get angry and bitter for a long time. I would look at my race photos and medals and want to throw them all away and forget the times I ran.
Next I would probably do what I do when things change. I would create a distraction with something else. I might try to focus on other exercises and activities. I might pretend to love them more than running and work hard to make myself believe I did not miss it every day.
Then I would come to accept it. I would have no other option than to eventually. In the end, I know I will not die without running. I know it is just an activity, and many many people never get fortunate enough to run.
But for me it is so much more than a simple activity. For me it has become such a large part of who I am and how it makes me feel. I did not realize it until it was taken away from me 6 weeks ago.
I took my daughter to the track the other day because it is across the street from a playground she likes and I watched her run a little bit and she was having so much fun. And it was bitter sweet because I am still in the boot and cannot run. And it hit me. A wave of sadness and a deep longing swept over me as I watched many runners there doing their speed work. It was not too long ago I was there doing my speed work. I wondered how long it would be before I got out there again.
Being at that track, it just made me miss running all the more. Made me wish I could hit fast forward on the time and bring myself into the days when I will be running again. Once you fall deeply in love with something, it is painful to be apart from it for even a day or 2. It hurts me to not be running right now, and every day it gets harder and harder to be away from it.
All I can do is wait and be patient, and pray the day I get to run again comes soon. I made up my mind at the track that I would do whatever it takes to run again, even if it means I have to do more PT, or cross training, whatever. Even if I have to run slow for awhile until I heal. I will run again. There is a small part of me that would die if I never got to run again. And I am not sure my heart would fully heal.