I am a big bag of mixed emotions this week. This weekend was tough. I know it has only been a week, hell really not even a fully week but I am already going crazy being injured. And several things are bugging me. My leg has rendered me pretty tied up.
I HATE feeling useless and helpless. I cannot even drive. It is frustrating. It is annoying. Where I live there is no public transportation so I am pretty much stranded. There is nothing more frustrating for me, than to wait for someone to come pick me up and take me somewhere. Now this has nothing to do with anyone helping. I appreciate it all I do. It is me personally. Up until this point in my life I have been pretty independent. Is one of the things I have always prided myself on.
Being injured has rendered me, to myself, useless. It makes me angry.
I hate not being able to pick up my daughter. I know shes almost 3, and I know she should be more independent but we are close. It is after all just the 2 of us living here day in and day out so she has become pretty dependent on me. I hate feeling like I cannot take care of her as good as I should. I hate that shes getting more television now because we cannot go to many places. I hate that I get frustrated easily because I am in so much pain. I hate it all.
I miss running. Hell at this point I miss any kind of cardio workout. I can barely walk. It is amazing to me that one week ago I ran 26.2 miles in under 4 hours and now I can barely hobble over to the bathroom. It has been humbling, trying to get around on crutches and trying to do the things I do on a daily basis.
I am mainly most of all mad at my leg. I take the splint off for 10 minutes to shower and stare at the leg. Its all swollen, black and blue and looks forgein to me. I feel the muscles in there tingling and throbbing, and I wonder how long it plans to stay like this. How long does one take to heal? And why the eff did it have to happen right in the beginning of summer time? And then I get depressed. It seems like it is taking forever to even look a little better. everyday I take the splint off with the hope of it looking better and when it looks the same I get sad all over again.
And then finally I feel fat. I know I am gaining weight, just sitting around all day, not being able to workout, not being able to run. My mind goes to dark places just dreading the next time I will step on a scale. I have tried to reduce my caloric intake daily, I will keep trying. I just am terrified.
Terrified of regressing. It was so hard to lose all of my weight. It was so hard to build a base for running marathons and ultra training. I feel like all of my hard work is slowly being undone day after day by being tied up here with this injury. And that thought haunts me. I feel like I will lose everything I have spent the last 2 years working on. It makes me want to cry.
I know, all of these thoughts they are normal. And I know what everyone says, oh don't worry, you will be fine. GIve your body time to heal. You can get it all back.
I know everyone is just trying to be helpful. I know they all mean well.
But at the end of the day, I feel like I am just so sick of hearing all that crap. None of it fixes my leg, none of it helps me while I am sitting here wasting away.
Sorry to be so negative, just needed to vent today.