I Am Broken.

It has been a whirlwind of a week.

It has been the kind of week that makes you want to run to the nearest closet and hide out for a few months. It has been the kind of week that takes every single ounce of strength to get through. Well for me, that is how it has felt. I know things could be worse, I know, I know it is not the end of the world, but the truth of the matter is, on Tuesday when my lower leg blew up twice the size of the other one, and I could barely walk. I felt like my entire world was ending.

 

I went to the emergency room Tuesday night around 10 pm when I realized the swelling was only getting worse. Fearing for a DVT, a bllod clot in the leg, I had my dad come to my house to hang out since Peanut was sleeping and I went to the er. They had me there all night, running blood work, an ekg, a cat scan and in the morning an ultra sound. All that and diagnosis?

No DVT, thank goodness! But, they had no idea what was going on muscular wise. They gave me some crutches and sent me home with the plan of resting and calling my pcp. I was confused, and upset. I had slept about an hour total Tuesday night so needless to say, Wednesday was a scary day. I was cranky all day and I spent the rest of the day on the phone trying to get in to see an orthopedic doctor and my pcp.

Thursday, the learning day. I tried to drive myself to pcp in the am and learned that driving with a swollen painful right leg was a bad idea. Luckily my sister was around and she took me to the ortho in the afternoon. And good thing because I came out of there 3 hours later with this:

 I am lucky, I got into a hopsital out of Boston with a sports medicine orthopedic doctor and he set me up for an MRI on Friday morning. I have an appointment with him Monday afternoon where I will learn about what is next.

For now, I know this. I am on crutches. I am in a full leg splint. And tentativly the doctor looked at the MRI scans quickly this afternoon and said it looks like a muscle strain. So, hopefully this means I can be back on my feet in no time.

For right now, I am learning to ask for help. On Wednesday, when I realized I would not be able to do simple mundane things it was tough. You know, it did not even hit me about the running really, it was more of, how am I going to take care of my toddler? Being a single mom has really been a challenge and lately when you throw other obstacles in the way, it makes me feel even weaker. Wednesday was a bad day.

But then Thursday came. After a rough painful morning on Thursday I started to make a plan. I started to realize that I do need help. I do need to ask for it. And I have a wonderful supportive team behind me who will be there when I need them. My sisters have been great, my dad has been great, and my friend has been great. All of my online supporters have even been great helping me stay positive. I appreciate all of it. I need all of it. I learned I will be fine just have to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

I do not know when I will run again. I do not know exactly what I will have to do to fix my leg. There is so much up in the air at this point, I do not even know when the splint will come off, or the crutches will go away and I will be able to simply drive again.

I do know that I refuse to give up. First I refuse to sit on the couch and get depressed and gain weight. I will find a way to workout and cross train. I will maintain a level of fitness and perhaps even gain some upper body and core strength even more. One more thing, I do know I love this little girl and she has loved having mommy stuck on the couch with her leg up so she can have extra snuggle time. And that has kept me from losing my mind :)