I took this picture on a run one day and the fog reminds me of the truth.
The truth is sometimes ugly.
Truth can be messy, complicated, emotional, and all out frustrating.
I have a hard time telling the truth sometimes. Not that I go around lying, more that I live in this world of positivity and I feel if I show my vulnerability or weakness, then people will go back to judging me.
You see, when you weigh 275 pounds you get judged. People look down on you, people do not notice you. And unfortunately no matter how smart you are, it sometimes goes unseen due to the way you look. People are judges, basing their opinions solely on the outward appearance of a person. When you are depressed on a daily basis people stop noticing. And if you are really good at hiding your emotions, you can fool most of the people around you into thinking you are fine and that everything is ok, even when it is not.
But the past few weeks have been ugly. And I feel like in this picture up there, I am in a fog. Facing stress at home being a single mom and trying to do it all, work stress, school work stress, and frustration from not having time to do the things I used to be able to do. It all seems to be catching up to me. Sometimes, life seems impossible. Sometimes, choices seem difficult.
And just like that, before I realize it, I am backing myself into a corner again. I am sitting there hiding in my closet crying and feeling alone all over again. I am regressing back to old habits just to get myself by because I feel hopeless.
The problem, the truth of it all is I am an addict still. I cope with excess of something. That is the ugly truth. I used to smoke cigerettes and drink when I was stressed. It worked for me when I was in my late teens and even as I was 21-22ish. Then I realized it was not going to help me so I stopped doing that and moved onto a new obsession, binging. Food. Yep I got addicted pretty quickly and just like other addictions it took me over.
Then I got healthy 2.5 years ago, I took a firm stance on changing my life style, and it worked for the most part. I turned to a new obsession of running and exercising and trying to eat healthy. And it worked, on most days I coped fine. I lost my weight, I got into a healthy zone and I was ok.
But lately, the urge to binge has come over me again and again. It haunts me. Sometimes there are days when I do it and then face the guilt of it for days on end. Some days I am strong enough to not do it too. But over all, it is just frustrating. So I have to keep fighting with this. I have to keep working on over coming this obstacle in my life. It seems daunting when I think about it but I have to think about it in order to move on and let it go.
The truth is, I hate myself still for being weak. I want to be this strong pillar who stands up against all adversity in her life and is tall and proud. The ugly part behind that truth is, I have not yet accepted the fact that it is impossible to be strong on your own 100% of the time. You need help, you need friends, you need someone in your corner fighting with you. But the hardest part about it is knowing when to let people in and ask for help.
So that is my truth talk to myself this week, learn when to reach out and ask for help. Even when I feel like the fog is surrounding me and there is no escape, I have to realize that it will not make me weak, less loved, or make the people around me mad, rather it will be better for them to know what is going on in my life so they can help.
9 comments:
I understand! It's hard to ask for help, but it's really the truth that we "get by with a little help from our friends." It's just not do-able to do it all and do it all alone. The "good" piece of trading eating for exercising is that you are doing something that keeps you healthy and lowers stress. But, trading one obsession for another is just that and sometimes the best thing to do it talking.
Colleen, I really appreciated this post. Not because you are struggling (obviously!) but because it reminds me that there's no 'light-bulb' or switch that will be flicked to make me 'better'.
When I EVENTUALLY get to my goal weight I will grapple with my addiction (food etc) for the rest of my life. I have to just get through each day, each week, each month.
You've come SO far and have a lot to deal with over the past few months, it's understandable you're looking for something to lean on (I don't want to say crutch as it sounds so negative).
Just know that you're an inspiration to so many others. Knowing that it's still difficult for you makes you even more human. We're reminded that there's no magic wand - just determination and hard work.
I'm trying to do the intuitive eating thing (long story) but there are some empowerment quotes the book I've been reading uses and one of them goes something like: one day, one week, one month is just that, it's not forever and doesn't matter in the overall scheme of things. (Actually the saying is better than that, but basically - don't get upset when things aren't going well for a period of time, because it's just a drop in the bucket... again - my words aren't great).
PS Sorry that was so LONG!!!!
xxxx
Thank you for this post! Recognizing when you need help and reaching out for support is a huge sign of strength. You are tackling a lot right now and truly doing a great job raising that beautiful little girl. Speaking of your hardships will not only help yourself find that strength to push through, but will also help others facing similar emotions.
This really resonates with me too. I think if we remember that we like to support our friends, it makes it easier to open up ourselves without feeling weak or like we are burdening them. I know you wouldn't want a friend or family member to be hurting and not reach out to you -- they feel the same way about you.
Understandable - Colleen you are taking on a great deal and there is no weakness in asking for help.I have a hard time with this too, but continue to learn I cannot do it all on my own.
Colleen, I applaud you for writing this post. I think being so public about your WLJ can add a lot of pressure to an already difficult situation. What you are doing--getting healthy, sharing that with us--is exceptional! Your honesty is inspiring, and for me, it is far more impressive to see your "weak" side than to see an uncracked surface. You are human, you are REAL! While I still think you might be superhuman, it's nice to know we are in the same battle together. Thank you for sharing your story and for being so inspiring, whether you feel you are on the top or bottom of the pillar!
I too struggle with overeating. It has been especially difficult for me as well lately, with all the challenging changes in my life.
A possibly helpful reminder from the apostle Paul, who begged God three times to take away the thorn in his side.
"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Much love & prayers, friend.
With respect to caving in to old patterns and urges... they appear as 'real' but we know them to be false.
If we can hold on while the pressure is immense, by whatever means necessary, greater truth and satisfaction and confidence will be revealed.
This is a spiritual matter, much more than anything else. Working with others... simplifying and doing the next right thing, getting outside ones self... these are the keys to avoiding a relapse.
You have support and love and positive influences all around you...
Hi there, I just stumbled onto your blog. And I understand your frustration. The truth is, asking for help is a good thing. There's humility in it, it makes you human. We can't be 100% of everything to everyone all the time. You're human, go easy on yourself. We all have days where we stumble, but the beauty of tomorrow is that it's a new day.
I find that support groups help tremendously, I've joined weight watchers and I love it. I really resonate with the people there because they face the same daily challenges as me, and they understand me.
You can do this. Give yourself time, and a chance, you'd be amazed at how strong you are!
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