Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I took this picture on a run one day and the fog reminds me of the truth.
The truth is sometimes ugly.
Truth can be messy, complicated, emotional, and all out frustrating.
I have a hard time telling the truth sometimes. Not that I go around lying, more that I live in this world of positivity and I feel if I show my vulnerability or weakness, then people will go back to judging me.
You see, when you weigh 275 pounds you get judged. People look down on you, people do not notice you. And unfortunately no matter how smart you are, it sometimes goes unseen due to the way you look. People are judges, basing their opinions solely on the outward appearance of a person. When you are depressed on a daily basis people stop noticing. And if you are really good at hiding your emotions, you can fool most of the people around you into thinking you are fine and that everything is ok, even when it is not.
But the past few weeks have been ugly. And I feel like in this picture up there, I am in a fog. Facing stress at home being a single mom and trying to do it all, work stress, school work stress, and frustration from not having time to do the things I used to be able to do. It all seems to be catching up to me. Sometimes, life seems impossible. Sometimes, choices seem difficult.
And just like that, before I realize it, I am backing myself into a corner again. I am sitting there hiding in my closet crying and feeling alone all over again. I am regressing back to old habits just to get myself by because I feel hopeless.
The problem, the truth of it all is I am an addict still. I cope with excess of something. That is the ugly truth. I used to smoke cigerettes and drink when I was stressed. It worked for me when I was in my late teens and even as I was 21-22ish. Then I realized it was not going to help me so I stopped doing that and moved onto a new obsession, binging. Food. Yep I got addicted pretty quickly and just like other addictions it took me over.
Then I got healthy 2.5 years ago, I took a firm stance on changing my life style, and it worked for the most part. I turned to a new obsession of running and exercising and trying to eat healthy. And it worked, on most days I coped fine. I lost my weight, I got into a healthy zone and I was ok.
But lately, the urge to binge has come over me again and again. It haunts me. Sometimes there are days when I do it and then face the guilt of it for days on end. Some days I am strong enough to not do it too. But over all, it is just frustrating. So I have to keep fighting with this. I have to keep working on over coming this obstacle in my life. It seems daunting when I think about it but I have to think about it in order to move on and let it go.
The truth is, I hate myself still for being weak. I want to be this strong pillar who stands up against all adversity in her life and is tall and proud. The ugly part behind that truth is, I have not yet accepted the fact that it is impossible to be strong on your own 100% of the time. You need help, you need friends, you need someone in your corner fighting with you. But the hardest part about it is knowing when to let people in and ask for help.
So that is my truth talk to myself this week, learn when to reach out and ask for help. Even when I feel like the fog is surrounding me and there is no escape, I have to realize that it will not make me weak, less loved, or make the people around me mad, rather it will be better for them to know what is going on in my life so they can help.
Labels: My Thoughts