I am a runner. I used to be the fat girl who hid in her closet crying when clothes did not fit anymore. That was my life. I started losing weight and getting healthy and I became a runner. I liked running a lot and worked hard at it and I became faster and faster.
I trained for the Hyannis Marathon all winter and I worked my ass off. I qualified for the Boston Marathon. I reached what 2 years ago had been only a mere dream. And then over the course of 3 weeks it has all unraveled right before my eyes. My knee is so bad that I cannot run faster than an 8 minute mile without pain. When I go near a hill, forget it.
I feel like a failure, and I know what you will say, you will say its ok, rest up. There will be more races; there will be other days to run. And truthfully yes there will be. But today, right now, I feel like I have failed. My life has changed a lot in the last 3 and half months. I began a new job and have embarked on a new journey career wise. I also have ended my relationship with my daughter’s father. I have been a single mom since the beginning of the year.
I feel like I failed my family. I already felt like I was not a good enough partner to be married for quite a few years. But I kept thinking if I had only gotten skinnier, if I had only gotten better at life then maybe I would be good enough for him to marry me. I felt like I was the problem. I felt like if I changed enough, if I got better enough, that it would make him happier and I would have the family I dreamed about.
I had my daughter and then I threw my life into her. I thought if I did everything possible to be the best mom I could, if I could give her everything and make her life perfect, then again we would be a family. I began losing weight and I began to realize that I was happier when I was active and social. I began to realize that no matter what I did, I did not have a life partner by my side.
It took me about 6 months to be able to find the strength to end our relationship and it was hard. I had stayed for awhile trying again for my daughter. I told myself that my own happiness did not matter as long as she had 2 parents in the same house then she would be better off. That is how I grew up. My parents stayed married for 21 years and for 20 of those years were not happy. I thought it was how life was meant to be lived.
But then I realized that by me being unhappy, my daughter would too be unhappy one day. She would not enjoy seeing me sad or going to family holiday parties just me and her. We lived our own life because we had no support anyways. I made the choice to end the relationship and it made me feel bad. I had lived with this notion for so long that 2 parents with their children=family. Again the 'never give up' motto played in my mind. I felt like I was giving up on him and us and our family.
A lot has fallen apart and unraveled these past few months, but I had running. I knew I could put on my sneakers, go outside and feel amazing. I love to run fast, it makes me feel amazing. If everything is going wrong, I have running at the end of the day it gives me a sense of identity. Through the ending of everything and through this point I had my running and the speed I earned and it made me feel good.
Now I sit here wondering what I will have, what I will focus on and where I will go from here. It is scary, it makes me sad. I feel like hiding back in that closet and crying until the tears are gone until I cannot take anymore. And that at this point right now, is where I am.