Night time.
Never used to bother me.
Now I sit alone at night and I despise it. In fact I have such a hard time now that it has caused me to not sleep much.
Really it is the loneliest part of the day. You can stay busy all day long, I have peanut to take care of she keeps me going. I have friends I can call and talk to and go see. I have work going on. I have tons to do. I stay busy and keep my mind off things.
And then slowly the clock ticks down and it gets later and later. And everyone starts going to bed, or off to watch tv and live their lives. It is dark outside and the sun has left for the day. Much like everything else. And I sit and my mind starts to wonder. I start to think about life, where mine is headed and am I making the right choices.
I start to just think because well when you are alone at night there is not much else you can do. I cannot leave the house, I cannot go for a run or even a nice walk because my toddler is sleeping soundly. But it would not probably matter much anyways because what normal person roams outside late at night?
Normally night time is catch up time with a spouse or partner. It is the quiet time after dinner and craziness of the day that you can sit and unwind and relax and talk. When you live with a person for many years you develop that routine. Even if you are not talking, or in the same room, the house is still not empty.
Night time. No matter where I am whether home, or away on business, I still cannot over come this empty lonely feeling when night falls. I keep telling myself it will pass, that I will adjust. That one day I will enjoy having my quiet night time and look forward to it all day. I am just not sure when that day will be. I have always been a people person. I need to be around other people, I crave that daily human interaction.
For me, being alone, the hardest part of the day is night time. It is the loneliest part of it all.
7 comments:
I completely understand this Colleen as I've always lived alone. Many of my coupled friends have no idea and tell me how lucky I am I can have a bath in peace and quiet... but when you do it day-in and day-out, it gets a bit tedious.
Night time is my danger time in terms of excess food or wine and I suspect much of it is because I'm sitting there by myself pondering over my day, dreading it being over (because that means bedtime and then another day at work!) but feeling like you're biding time.
Mostly I read for a couple of hours, then cook and watch TV for a couple of hours, with a bit of blogging in between.
I had my mother staying with me
for a period of time last year when my father was in hospital and it was kinda nice having someone to talk to about your day, or to say 'good morning'.
Hi Colleen, I know you have been going through a rough time of it lately, and it's good that you're writing about it to help you work through your feelings. You have been such an inspiration to me, and still are! You will get through this rough patch, and life will be very bright for you again, just hang in there. Writing on your blog is helpful, so keep processing how you feel here. We're all behind you! :)
I'm so sorry, Colleen. I wish there was something I could do or say. You've always been an inspiration to me and you continue to be one.
I hope that you are able to heal quickly from this bumpy time in your life. You're an amazing person and deserve the best.
I appreciate and respect the honesty of this blog, and I have felt this way many times in my life. It is hard. It's hard to be stuck in your own head without anyone to go to. I have no advice, just that I read this and I'm thinking of you.
I totally understand. That's how I am too. It gets really quiet at my house & because I workout in the evenings, I'm up til all hours of the morning because I can't sleep. Then, like you, my mind wanders, etc. If you ever need to talk or anything, feel free to hit me up on Twitter.
I am one of your followers on Twitter, and decided to check out your blog after I read one of your tweets. And I'm glad I did. I am commenting on this post because it is most recent, but I went back and read many of the others. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. As one woman to another, I admire your courage and ability to keep caring for your daughter even as you are going through this difficult time.
I am living alone with my kids for different reasons, but it is still hard sometimes. I hope you know that there are many of us out here who know exactly what you are feeling and understand how lonely it can be. But we are runners, and we are resilient :)
I'm glad I stumbled on your blog. Please keep your chin up.
wow... you got it colleen, I am married and have two four year olds and a four month old, but my husband has become a firefighter in the last year and works 24 hour shifts. once the children are asleep I just feel so blah and I could never really describe the feeling, I know that sounds stupid but I have never been alone until he got this job and I thought I was going nuts, thinking about life and changes and on and on... IM lonely duh... thank you! I hope you get to feeling well
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