I sat down wondering this morning if eventually marathons would lose their ominous sense of nervousness. I say this because at this time last year I sat and dwelled on a half marathon and felt nervous for it.
I went on to run so many halfs last year that the distance does not even make me bat an eye lash...
I would kind of like to be able to run a marathon and not be so nervous about it. I would kind of like to not be stressing about taper week.. I would actually like to be able to not have to taper so much next time, taper really kills me lol. I have so little patience this week for anything it is ridiculous. Especially now, having a tantrumming 2.5 yrear old alone 24-7 has did a number on me.
It is amazing how much running has saved me from being depressed, being stressed, resorting to binging. It has helped in so many ways. But now today I sit in fear of running tomorrow..
Kind of ironic ;)
I want to sit here and tell you that tomorrow will be fun, that no matter what my time I will be happy because well not many people are able to run a marathon and I am grateful to be able to.
But this is my blog, and I like to be honest and open 100% of the time...
Tomorrow will not feel good unless I get my goal, unless I see that number on the clock at the end read anything under a 3:35. I will feel like I failed a bit, and that this training cycle was not good enough for it. I will certainly just be disappointed. And its ok. Because this is what keeps me going. I also know that if I do not make that time tomorrow, I will come back with a vengeance for my next marathon and work my ass off until I get it.
This is how a fighter exists, this is how goals get reached. In my self, this is what keeps me going and driving forward.
For me it is not all smiles and puffy hearts just to finish, for me it is about something more that drives me to new goals, for myself and going after them. It might not be the best approach, it might not be accepted by many people. But it is just what works for me. It has been for the past 2 years, and I do not plan on changing that anytime soon.