Well this will probably be one of the hardest blog posts I have ever written. And it is because I am going to allow myself to be perfectly honest with you. I fell off my healthy wagon this weekend. I feel into a dark abyss of sugar, chocolate, and gluten free goodies. And I feel so devestated about it.
It all began when I got sick, not an excuse but I could not swallow and I was really feeling like shit. I ate well and even exercised on Friday. Then Saturday came, and the horror began. I went to urgent care and got diagnosed finally with a sinus infection and strep throat. I got depressed for some reason maybe just tired of being sick, maybe with personal drama going on at home, not sure what exactly triggered it. But I went to the gluten free bakery and got some goodies for my Easter company, and I got a chocolate chip cookie. And even though it hurt to chew it and swallow it, I ate it in the car while driving home.
The old Colleen came out right then and there, it was like the flood gates had been opened and that 1 bad choice led to my down fall. I went home and slept for hours. I was really so sick running a fever, could not breathe, swallow etc. Completely just miserable. Then I got some coconut milk ice cream for my throat, bad decision number 2. And no it was not bad to have some, but I had a whole bowl of it. And the old Colleen kept coming out, I kept thinking about the sweets I had for tomorrow and started to obsess about them. And then I made up peanut's easter basket and filled the eggs for the eater egg hunt. And I started snacking on the gourmet jelly beans. And I enjoyed them so much, the tatse of sugar. I know it sounds crazy but it has been so long since indulging in it, that it just was that good.
Of course I woke up feeling like shit still and even worse with a stomach ache because honestly my body is not used to eating crap anymore. Even though the gluten free goodies were gluten free they are still made with sugar and oil and not all too healthy I am sure. So today I undulged again, in cake and cool whip and more candy. UGH I really feel like crap now. My heart is fluttering, from the sugar and caffine I am sure and my stomach is a hot mess.
Old Colleen, the food addict just came out and I was unable to control it. So now I am sitting here more depressed than ever. I thought I had moved past this life style. I thought I was stronger than some damn cake and candy. I really thought I was over coming my obsession with food.
I was wrong. I cannot handle having junk in the house that I like, and I cannot handle having even a little bit of sugar because it leads to this search for more. I feel like the 252 pound girl again, I feel so fat and ugly right now.
I know no one is perfect and we all have cheat days from time to time etc. But mentally it just does not work for me. I do not have the self control that I thought I did. Well I will because right now after posting this I am throwing into the trash all of the left over cake, candy, etc and going for a long walk. That is the other sad part of my weekend. I broke my chip quest :( I did not exercise yesterday and obviously over ate and had sugar. Getting sick is not an excuse by any means but I allowed it to derail me from my journey and it sucks.
I fell off the wagon and I am so hurt by it. I have to not let it ruin all of my progress. I have to get back up and keep fighting this fight. I will not put any more junk into my body. I am not waiting until tomorrow to start over. In the past I may have, in the past old Colleen would have kept eating to feel better and putting off the start over day. The theory is well I already ruined today I should just finish it off. And I honestly thought about that. I thought to myself well the day is shot to hell I won't bother to go workout today, the gym is closed anyways. I will finish the junk food off because I will not have it again for a long time so I might as well enjoy it. I know how many times have I done this? Way too many...
Well not this time. Yes I fucked up this weekend. Yes I have to start my chip over. Yes it sucks and I am depressed about it. But I have to realize there is nothing food will do to solve this. I made the mistakes and only I can fix them. So to the trash it is all going and out to run am I going. I cannot run much because I am still pretty sick but I know it is what I need to wake me up.
How do you get back on the wagon after you fall off?