It all began when I got sick, not an excuse but I could not swallow and I was really feeling like shit. I ate well and even exercised on Friday. Then Saturday came, and the horror began. I went to urgent care and got diagnosed finally with a sinus infection and strep throat. I got depressed for some reason maybe just tired of being sick, maybe with personal drama going on at home, not sure what exactly triggered it. But I went to the gluten free bakery and got some goodies for my Easter company, and I got a chocolate chip cookie. And even though it hurt to chew it and swallow it, I ate it in the car while driving home.
The old Colleen came out right then and there, it was like the flood gates had been opened and that 1 bad choice led to my down fall. I went home and slept for hours. I was really so sick running a fever, could not breathe, swallow etc. Completely just miserable. Then I got some coconut milk ice cream for my throat, bad decision number 2. And no it was not bad to have some, but I had a whole bowl of it. And the old Colleen kept coming out, I kept thinking about the sweets I had for tomorrow and started to obsess about them. And then I made up peanut's easter basket and filled the eggs for the eater egg hunt. And I started snacking on the gourmet jelly beans. And I enjoyed them so much, the tatse of sugar. I know it sounds crazy but it has been so long since indulging in it, that it just was that good.
Of course I woke up feeling like shit still and even worse with a stomach ache because honestly my body is not used to eating crap anymore. Even though the gluten free goodies were gluten free they are still made with sugar and oil and not all too healthy I am sure. So today I undulged again, in cake and cool whip and more candy. UGH I really feel like crap now. My heart is fluttering, from the sugar and caffine I am sure and my stomach is a hot mess.
Old Colleen, the food addict just came out and I was unable to control it. So now I am sitting here more depressed than ever. I thought I had moved past this life style. I thought I was stronger than some damn cake and candy. I really thought I was over coming my obsession with food.
I was wrong. I cannot handle having junk in the house that I like, and I cannot handle having even a little bit of sugar because it leads to this search for more. I feel like the 252 pound girl again, I feel so fat and ugly right now.
I know no one is perfect and we all have cheat days from time to time etc. But mentally it just does not work for me. I do not have the self control that I thought I did. Well I will because right now after posting this I am throwing into the trash all of the left over cake, candy, etc and going for a long walk. That is the other sad part of my weekend. I broke my chip quest :( I did not exercise yesterday and obviously over ate and had sugar. Getting sick is not an excuse by any means but I allowed it to derail me from my journey and it sucks.
I fell off the wagon and I am so hurt by it. I have to not let it ruin all of my progress. I have to get back up and keep fighting this fight. I will not put any more junk into my body. I am not waiting until tomorrow to start over. In the past I may have, in the past old Colleen would have kept eating to feel better and putting off the start over day. The theory is well I already ruined today I should just finish it off. And I honestly thought about that. I thought to myself well the day is shot to hell I won't bother to go workout today, the gym is closed anyways. I will finish the junk food off because I will not have it again for a long time so I might as well enjoy it. I know how many times have I done this? Way too many...
Well not this time. Yes I fucked up this weekend. Yes I have to start my chip over. Yes it sucks and I am depressed about it. But I have to realize there is nothing food will do to solve this. I made the mistakes and only I can fix them. So to the trash it is all going and out to run am I going. I cannot run much because I am still pretty sick but I know it is what I need to wake me up.
How do you get back on the wagon after you fall off?
16 comments:
Girlfriend I did the exact same thing. I feel physically and emotionally sick.
I am glad to know I'm not the only one. I think I may start fasting around Christmas and Easter leading up to the holiday. I felt so sick with all the food I couldn't keep my mind on what was really important.
We'll be back up and at it tomorrow! The falling down and getting back up makes us even stronger!
(:
Honestly Colleen, being able to ADMIT it to yourself and the rest of the blogosphere says a lot about you! The road gets rough with some pot holes and detours, but don't forget...it is the things you do consistently that define you! (that was our closing quote from WW this week!) Pick yourself back up, get back out there, and MAKE YOURSELF PROUD! It is oh so easy to think that we have this "food thing" mastered and oh so easy for it to kick us square in the pants. Take it a lesson learned and keep your head high. I am so glad you posted this for others to read and see, so they know that we are all just human and subject to our occasionally slips. Just because one day, one week was bad, don't give up! Fight for it ! :)
Hugs to you!
Angie
I know you're not going to let this derail your progress. Take care of yourself and feel better soon!
It's ok lady! We all have our bad days. It is good you realized where you can push your limits and where you can't. Writing about it and letting it out probably helped and made you feel better! We are all here for moral support! You can get back on that wagon!!!
There must be something in the air. I ate a peanut butter cookie last night, chocolate, and more cashews than should be legal.
A good friend who is in recovery for alcohol addiction once told me: "When you fall off the wagon, run like hell until you catch up with it and jump back on. Do not look back. The past is only as powerful as you let it be."
xoxoxoxoxo
Thank you so much. Honestly I was so apprehensive about blogging about it, and it was hard for me to admit my failure. But writing it and getting it out there did help me a lot and having all of your support means so much to me. it gives me the strength to go on.
I carried the trash to the dumpster and I thought to myself as I was throwing it away that I was throwing away the mistakes I made this weekend and moving on. Then I went out and ran a 5K around my neighborhood. It was hard and I felt like I was going to puke but I needed to do it. I feel so much better now. I am still sick but I am not going to let it ruin all of my progress.
Thanks again for your continued support.
We all fall down. We're all human. Nobody's perfect. Think of any other athlete in the world and guess what. They fall too. But a huge part of getting back on is being able to admit it and throwing yourself right back into the routine. It's probably not the first time and I can almost guarantee that it won't be the last.
We all have bad days. The point is that you get right back on track and you will be fine. It when we fall off and are not ablt mentally to back on track that we are in trouble. I have been dealing with my weight every since I can remember. Every time I lose all that weight I always think I have it all figured out. But I am lying to myself because I still dont have it figured out. I still fight it every day. So dont beat your self up just get back on track and you will be fine.
I am just getting started and am having a hard time eating clean and getting away from all of that "crap". I am trying to think of how everything I put in my mouth will help my body. Remember to just keep going and continuing on.
I am totally the same way. I've been on sugar rollercoasters that were so bad I was making sugar sandwiches! We all stumble so don't beat yourself up so badly. I can't have junk in the house either and stoped buying it for my kids years ago, they don't need it either and get enough at functions away from home.
We had friends over for Easter and I made brownies, which of course meant I had brownies for breakfast and now I feel sick and still need to go for a run. Yep, you aren't alone! Hang in there, this too shall pass.
I'm having a horrible time having things like that in the house as well. Colleen, I admire your honesty with us AND yourself. You'll come back from this. Thanks for showing us that even the strong fall down sometimes. Love you, girl!
The hardest part about dieting and making a lifestyle change is getting back on the wagon after falling off. Throwing the food out was the first step. Remember your accomplishments and know that indulging one time doesn't ruin your progress thus far, but it does delay any future progress. Stay focused on the positive things you've achieved and I hope you feel better soon!
I get back on the wagon by NOT letting the foodie fail have power over me. Meaning, I don't freak out over it too much. When I freak out, it only breeds more stress and suggestions that I suck at healthy living. Which I don't.
Colleen,
First thing BIG VIRTUAL HUG!!
you have come so far and just because you "fell off the wagon" doesn't mean that you've gone all the way back to the way you were. You have learned so much along your journey and this bump in the road is yet another learning experience.
I totally understand feeling down but just realize you have not lost all of your accomplishments or the skills you've learned to get you as far as you've come. Just move forward with the knowledge that you've gained.
You can do it, we're all with you.
I feel like falling off the wagon only counts if the behavior is a consistent thing. Does that make sense? Having one bad day out of a hundred, is still a pretty damn good deal.
There is this movie called Castle (I think) with Robert Redford, and in it, he asks a solider who killed one of his fellow officers this: If you've been a solider for your whole life, and for 5 minutes you're a murderer, are you not still a solider?
Yes. He is still a solider. He will always be a solider. And you and I, we will always carry on. There is no return.
So we do what we can do in the time we can do it in, and continue to move forward.
Good luck!
sorry to hear about your bad weekend, but i'm glad you're not letting it completely derail you. i read an interesting article yesterday about eating disorder recovery. psychologists find it difficult to quantify recovery, but it's assumed that there could always be a relapse. what makes the difference is recognizing when you need help and getting it. plus cutting the cycle before it gets severely out of control. you may have slipped up this time, but you aren't the same person you were at the beginning of the journey. it seems to me that you knew when to break the cycle and ask for support. you've got this :)
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