Well my friends I think I have felt all emotions this week and it has been a true test of my strength and determination to get through. And it was not one bad thing that happened, it was not a bad week in terms of my life, but a bad week for me emotionally. This journey has taken me far and I am very lucky to be where I am today, but I was not feeling it this week.
I had a gain on the scale on Tuesday, and that kind of set the tone for my mood. I felt I was failing and let you all down. I am not one who takes failure lightly, and in the past I have had small gains and it always dissapointed me but for some reason this one really hurt me. Maybe because I am so close to my lifetime weight for weight watchers? Maybe because I feel this pressure to hit the 100 pounds lost mark? Maybe its because I am participating in a challenge and have an awesome determined partner? I think it is a combination of all of those things. And my life. My life is hectic and crazy and busy.
Not to turn this into a whining fest of how but it is but I have a toddler, I work 55 hours a week, and I am training to run the half marathons I have signed up for, I am in nursing school, and I added studying to get my ACSM certification 2 weeks ago. Sometimes I feel over whelmed, and I think this week I just felt it bad. I know I can do it, I have been doing it for the past 13 months. But I began to wonder this week, why am I doing it? Can't I just relax for some time and let it go for a little while?
So by Wednesday I had let all those old fears and doubts creep in and bring me down. I was pretty low feeling like I needed to take some steps back and even considering stopping writing on the blog and things for awhile. Its hard, and sometimes I feel like I had tweeted 'hiding away'. But then a funny thing happened, people tweeted me back. People reached out to me and reminded me of how I had helped them, how I was inspiring them, and others who had been where I was reminded me that I would be ok.
So I am so happy that you were there for me and I wanted to say thank you. You kept my head in the game so to speak and I awoke Thursday morning with a new determination to finish this journey and enter into the world of maitenence. I know I do not have much further to go and I know I need to stop stressing on the scale as much. I realized this Thursday morning when I put on my first ever pair of size 2 pants! I went from being down and depressed to elated in a day. If thats not crazy I do not know what is! This journey has shown me so much and one thing is to never give up.
I am glad I have been able to hang in there, it has brought me from a size 18 to a size 2. It has made me healthier than I have been in over 10 years. It will allow me to be a better mom to my daughter and live much longer. Losing 98 pounds has been a journey of tears, laughter, surprise, and sometimes I felt like throwing in the towel simply because it has been hard. And we do not tend to like things being hard. But you know what?
At the end of the day I stuck in the ring because hard for me just means work harder to over come the challenge and reach that goal.
It was a long emotional week for me and I must admit I am glad it is over!! I am looking forward to my next half marathon in Quincy on Sunday and hoping for some of that sunshine I enjoyed Thursday and today!