I know I take progress pictures in my gym clothes and try to show the weight loss from all the angles but sometimes I think its important to appreciate the weight loss in everyday clothes and appreciate how much you have changed when you are at an event etc.
So every year we have a Christmas party that the family attends and I was driving to it this week on Sunday and as I was driving I started actually crying a little. As I am typing this I am fighting back the urge to tear up. They are not tears of sadness, they are tears of joy? or tears of I am not sure? but it is an over whelming feeling that lately I seem to be feeling a lot.
This feeling comes from total appreciation and acceptance of my body and my journey and how far I have come. These times last year were some of my darkest, heaviest days. When I see pictures of myself from the holidays last year I cringe. I think back to the girl inside that body and how she always felt. I remember going into my closet and taking a half hour just trying to pick out an outfit that would make me look "thinner". I remember I would only wear dark colors because they helped me hide the fat a bit better. Most of all I remember just feeling so ashamed of myself and hating the person I looked at in the mirror everyday.
I had spiraled out of control and lost myself in a world of depression, sickness, feeling of self worthlessness and turned to binge eating for comfort. As a result I reached my highest weight ever and highest clothing size 18. I can only guesstimate my weight around this time to be in the 260s because lets be serious I avoided all scales. I was not happy being that unfit and that unhealthy. I guess the tears are from those dark days and remind me that we will never be there again.
And it has been a long drawn out battle with overcoming the urge to binge and the desire to take food and fill my empty feelings with it. I am on the winning end of the battle today, some days I am on the losing side. This journey is one I feel I may be on for the rest of my life, trying to change habits that have been ingrained into me over years and years of over eating. Can I do it? Of course. Will it be easy? Of course not.
And that is why I really share this all with all of you. I am hoping to show the ugly side of the journey. I am not sitting here with progress pics and saying hey I am great I am losing weight. I stand before you telling you this sucks. I hate having to count points everyday, I hate the fact that if I do not drink 60-100oz of water a day I do not lose as much weight, and I sometimes dread going to the gym. I know GASP right!!!! Nope no gasps, its true. It is hard work: it takes determination, dedication, persistence, and the ability to accept defeat and recover from a setback, to stay on this journey. But the important thing, to always remember at the end of the day is this: the hard work, the persistence it will eventually pay off. The problem is you will not see changes over night. There is no quick fix to lose 100 pounds and look amazing, and I think this is what many people forget. It will take over a year to do it and it will take more work than you may be ready to put in. But I promise you it CAN BE DONE.
So I have totally gotten off track here and I am sorry! Here are the pics that brought me to tears this weekend:
This was me this weekend: