Well I must honestly tell you I cannot believe I am doing this. The challenge this week from the lovely Sisterhood was to expose our selves and truly pay homage to the beautiful bodies that we have Exposed Challenge. I have never heard of The Exposed Movement until the Sisterhood introduced it to me yesterday. When I was reading all of these exposed posts last night I was beginning to think long and hard about my own journey and how much at times I dislike my own body.
I have never been self confident in my past 6-7 years I have always hid my body under clothes, in the dark, and I never truly cherished the skin I live in. I have never worn a bikini, never even wear shorts in the summer time always skirts and capris. I do not wear tank tops because I hate my arms. I would never ever think to expose my body for exactly what it is. I am in tears as I write this because I am thinking about the shame and guilt I had always held towards my body.
When you develop a self hatred it is something that is very very hard to overcome. It is something that still I am struggling with. My highest weight was 272 lbs while I was pregnant with my daughter. At the start of the pregnancy I was 254 lbs. I was heavier then than I ever have been in my whole life. But after I had her I became more and more uncomfortable in my own skin. Having her changed my body for the worse and my stomach had ugly stretch marks and hung loosely. It was devastating to look in the mirror day after day and just cry. I would cry in a ball in my closet sometimes when I would look at it and think I was doomed to carry the weight around with me forever.
And then one day I just woke up and told myself no more. No more crash diets, binge eating, and self loathing. I told myself if I truly wanted to love my daughter and be around for her then I would have to learn to love myself and get healthy if not for my own sake then solely for hers. And so I began, on February 24th, 2010 I walked into a weight watchers center and attended my first meeting and thought wow I am not sure I can do this but i am sure as hell going to try. And this is me then:
I was confident enough then that this would be the last time I would ever look like this. I am not sure how I was so brave to take pictures then. Maybe I really deep down inside knew I could change and become better for myself. Whatever it was I am glad I did it because today taking the picutres of myself I was very happy. I was happy to look back at these in my album I keep with me and really realize I was making a difference and I am getting somewhere.
It is hard when you are losing weight for awhile because you see yourself all day everyday. For me anyways, I do not feel different sometimes. I feel like I am always standing in that mirror and picking at my love handles and wishing they would just disappear. I am still not confident in my body and I wonder if I ever can grow to become so. This movement is important to me because it made me look at my body for the good things it does accomplish on a daily basis. I have a new found appreciation for my body and the amount of weight I have lost thus far. I began at 252.6lbs that day in February, and now I stand before you 7 and a half months later weighing 188.8lbs a total loss of 63.8lbs.
That means I lost 25% of my original body weight. I never thought about or even calculated that number until now. I want to thank the Sisterhood for bringing the exposure movement to my knowledge and opening my eyes to a new form of self love and new hope for my future that I will keep meeting my goals and keep my committment to be healthy!